It's so hard being a mum

After posting that last bit about yelling at the kids, I kept thinking about it, wondering why I had down played it so. I yelled really loudly at them. I made them cry and it hurt my throat. My voice has been different all day.

I have felt quite ill about it all day... trying to understand where that anger and frustration came from so quickly!

But then after talking to another couple of mums, I  realise that we all do yell sometimes. And yes....  their throats hurt too... and that even though it's not ideal, it happens sometimes because it's really hard to keep on listening to the same old stuff over and over again. It's hard to hear your own voice repeatedly sounding worse and worse, getting more angry, getting no results. It is is hard to hear your voice that sometimes you don't even recognise anymore. You are numb to it, you are immune.

So, yes, today I did a bad thing and I yelled at my kids. And I feel sick about it and I hope it never happens like that again. I don't know how to make sure it doesn't, but I know that today I nurtured myself. They were safe, they were at school. I took time to visit an old person, to be humbled. I took time to have lunch with friends and chat about every day stuff. And I took the time to wander my favourite store and touch and see and listen and smell to the beauty that surrounded me there.

When I picked them up, they were glad to see me. It's OK. We went off to the shops to buy the 'party food'. We haven't argued yet. It's looking good for the night. Perhaps I will snuggle up to them in bed tonight and whisper in their ears. I know I will tell them that I love them. And I do.